Here and Now

The Holy Spirit blows where she wills, upsetting old patterns and blowing life into old adages we wear as badges, like “Careful what you wish for…you might just get it.”  Such has been the case in my life. When the first note of a priestly calling began to ring in my heart at the age of 24 years old, I was an NYU Grad Student living in Brooklyn.  The single note resounded to the core of my being and wishing to be a priest more than anything, I entered the discernment process.

Discernment requires copious research and reflection…so I read many books about the vocation; I talked to countless priests about it; and I imagined and dreamed about how becoming a priest would meet all of my desires both for service and identity.  I would be something—complete with a title, a uniform and role.

So as I began the discernment process with the requisite internship at a neighboring parish, and endured a barrage of psychological testing, all seemed to fall into place.  I even found a job working for the Episcopal Church Center (aka 815) while I waited to go to seminary.  When the time came for the interviews with “the powers that be”, all went well, and I was granted postulancy and seminary loomed on the near horizon, I thought I had it made.  I delayed going to seminary because I was learning so much working on the staff of the Presiding Bishop.

And that’s when things started to go sideways.  I was young in the ways of the world and didn’t realize how power is wielded.  It never occurred to me that the Bishop might not be the one calling the shots.  Unfortunately, as it turned out the Bishop was terribly sick and falling completely under the sway of alcoholism.  And although to my eyes it looked like he was in charge, it was his Canon who ran the diocese.  And so instead of listening to the suggestions of the Bishop, I should have paid more attention to the woman behind the ‘episcopal’ screen.  I didn’t and for that I was given an opportunity for correction.

My permission to go to seminary was revoked and I was quasi-kicked out the ordination process.  I had no status, but as my obedience still being observed, I was still being told where I should go to church and I was required to spend Saturdays doing local theology and bible classes at a local school of theology.   I’ll spare you the retelling of the anguish I experienced during this three-year period—of my scheming to find a new diocese and bishop, of my decision to nearly give up on becoming a priest and the sorted dealings through which the “powers that be” finally sent me off to seminary.

The discernment time at seminary became one of intentional formation and I grew as a one-day priest in training.  And at yet, as I finished seminary and the time for ordination approached—some 8 years after the desire to be a priest emerged in my heart—the notion that I should “Be careful what you wish for” finally struck home.  Throughout all of this time, I had expected becoming a priest to feel magical.  And while the day was very affirming…and my wish was finally fulfilled, being a priest didn’t make me feel any different.  I was still me.  No extra-significant sense of calling, no special illumination from the Holy Spirit.

You see, once we arrive at the wished-for reality and it almost never ends up being not for what we hoped.  As so, the Holy Spirit opens our eyes to here and NOW.

That is precisely what I learned after my ordination…I realized how many years I had fretted and worried, schemed and agonized. In the end, very little of it really mattered.  It only served to distract me from the really priestly work that all of us are called to participate in.  The truth is that God is not really interested in our wishes for significant and pronounced service—God simply wants us to open our eyes to the need around us NOW and to serve:  “Whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you must be slave of all. “

Actually, this was the lesson I learned on the day of my ordination. You see a new bishop had been elected and when he arrived at the church, he found me changing my then three-year-old son’s VERY poopy diaper.  We were chatting and getting to know one another as I worked.  It was when I wrapped up the diaper, that I realized, much to my horror, that the bishop was standing between me and the trashcan.  He must have seen the panicked look on my face and without missing a bit.  He silently coaxed me into handing him the diaper and he quickly deposited it in the trash—without missing a beat in the conversation.

It was this simple act that truly taught me what it means to be a priest…what it means to be truly human.  If you want to be great, you must serve.  Whatever journey we are on…whatever “wish” we are working to make reality, let us practice true discernment and listen for the Holy Spirit.

The Rev. Luke Fodor is rector of St. Luke’s Church, Jamestown, NY. 

Living Lives of Discernment

There were many times in my life that I fervently hoped that God would communicate with me by sliding a 3×5 card under my bedroom door. On the card would be God’s explicit directions for me on what to do next. I suppose today it’d be more appropriate to wait for a text message. Either way, that was my first idea of what discernment was all about. Okay God, now what? Tell me.

However, discernment is more nuanced than that. Discernment is about finding a way forward when God has placed something on your heart, but it also can be a way of life. There are many definitions of discernment. At its most basic, it is a process of discovering God’s activity, movement, and direction in our lives.

If we use that definition as our starting point, we already see that discernment is not simply a decision. It is not one course of action over another. Rather, it is an ongoing process that occurs on many levels, sometimes simultaneously. A hallmark of good discernment is movement from confusion to clarity.

Due to the ongoing nature of it, discernment is open to the work of the Holy Spirit, to testing and to change. In order to be open to the Holy Spirit, we must notice what God is already doing in our lives and in the lives of those around us. When we step back from the daily rush from one appointment to the next, from one project to the next, from one place to the next, and take time to reflect, what do we see? What do we hear? Having done this we also must take the time to be in conversation with others, to test if what we have heard or seen is congruent with their sense of it. Finally we must also be willing to recognize that discernments can change. As elusive as the whole process is, in the end, discernment is sturdy. It will stand up to testing and to the passage of time.

It is also important to recognize that discernment involves more than prayer and holy conversation. Discernment is also revealed through our life circumstances. God does not call us into something new to the detriment of relationships that have been important to us. That is not to say that being called to something new will not be without pain or disruption. It may well be. However, our life circumstances might dictate that now is not the right time or there is not the right place. In the same way, discernment is sometimes revealed through an honest look at where we have already been. How have we seen God at work in our lives in the past may shed light on what God holds for us in the future.

As we intentionally engage the practice of discernment, we begin to recognize that we have developed a community of trust, a deepening of our own faith and a growing sense of God’s leading. We begin to understand that we are not only seeking discernment but rather living lives of discernment. In the words of Henri Nouwen, discernment is “a life long commitment to ‘remember God,’ know who you are, and pay close attention to what the Spirit is saying today.”

The Rev. Canon Martha Ishman is Rector at St. James, Titusville, and Canon for Mission Development and Transition for the Diocese of Northwestern Pennsylvania.

‘How I will Miss Thee’ Day 5 Diocesan Mission Trip to Cristo Salvador

11825027_10109149113664764_8042793343160672372_nAh! Republica Dominicana, how I will miss thee!!! And your food…oh, the wonderful awesome delectable yummy nourishment……. If one does nothing else in life, they should visit another culture and particularly the Dominican (says the girl who has ONLY traveled to the Dominican!).

What a life altering trip this has been for me. There are entirely too many facets of it for me to write in this post that have been beneficial and changing. If only it were possible, I would pack up Fr. Hipolito up and bring him back with me. Meeting that man alone is something that touches you to the core and gives you peace and strength. Each and every community in the WORLD could do with a moving father figure at its heart. (And his wife’s homemade mango juice in their bellies!)

I’ve gained a new appreciation and outlook this week for so many things in my life. I’ve been discerning on some life changesIMG_8263 very recently. Being here and seeing the love of God & lifestyles has helped me to remember just where and why God has placed me in positions and given me a better idea of who I want to be when I return home. It excites me to have more clarity!

It has been a blessing for me to experience the children and to see how they are all the same whether I am here or at home. I had a different vision of what the interactions with them would be like. I have been moved especially by my two ‘teachers’ whom I gained on the first day of VBS. Nicole & Mercedita took me under THEIR wing and have been teaching me so much of the language. It warms my heart that these children are so open and patient with and our ignorance of things! They really just go wonderfully with the flow.

And the tostones! The fried plantain goodness! Sorry, I digress…

I truly hope that as this partnership continues more and more members of the Diocese take part in trips such as this, not only for the awesome benefit to the Dominican community in the church, Cristo Salvador, but for the benefit it will have on the person who visits and in turn the world around that person when they return home.

And did I mention the food???? Yours drooling, I mean, truly,

Brooke Wolosewicz, member of St. Luke’s, Smethport, PA